


a warning sign

by themoongirl



Category: WTFock | Skam (Belgium)
Genre: Bipolar Disorder, Depressing Thoughts, Depression, M/M, sander is really sad so please be safe reading this!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-21
Updated: 2019-12-21
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:14:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21888751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/themoongirl/pseuds/themoongirl
Summary: “I love him,” Sander choked out.Sander’s mom gripped his hand tighter. “Who is he, Sander?”“Everything important.”-A look into Sander's mind after he ran out of the hotel.
Relationships: Sander Driesen/Robbe IJzermans
Comments: 6
Kudos: 233





	a warning sign

Sander was on fire. 

He recognized the arms around him pulling the foil tigher. He was aware of his mom petting his head and telling him it was going to be okay. He even had the mental strength to see Britt, which, in another circumstance, would have made him angry. But right now, he was on fire. Everything was too hot. Which, again, in another circumstance he would have recognized how that made absolutely no sense considering it was freezing outside and he was naked. Oh right, clothes. Clothes didn’t matter right now either.

And Robbe. Robbe wasn’t here. Robbe was inside the academy. Hundreds of versions of him plastered on the walls in variations of photographs and drawings. His safe place. He left the authentic Robbe behind to be surrounded by his art. His safe place. Because that Robbe he couldn’t disappoint. That Robbe never had to find out he was bipolar. That Robbe would always live on inside Sander’s head, and ultimately in his art when the day comes that Robbe doesn’t want him anymore. 

It was safe. 

So, when he heard Robbe’s voice screaming his name, it didn’t register. It wasn’t real.

“Sander!”

Sander didn’t dare move. His brain which often played tricks on him, often whispered things that he didn’t welcome, one thought leading to the next until he wanted to scream - that brain was lying to him. Robbe wasn’t here.

“Sander!”

God, the voice sounded so sad. So worried. Sander’s mom was looking at someone, but it was only a quick glance, probably at Britt who was out of sight. Sander’s mom continued to pet his head, not saying anything anymore.

Sander allowed himself to disappear. All he wanted was to be inside the academy. And now he was being rolled into an ambulance. He allowed himself to disappear. 

And it worked, this tactic. When he really couldn’t take it, disassociating was something he had gotten quite good at. It almost felt like time travel, because one moment they’re in the ambulance and the next they’re at the institution and Sander is saying yes to being admitted, and his mom is crying, and Britt has a hand on his back, and Robbe isn’t here.

Sander could feel the high disappearing as quickly as it had come, and the memories were coming back. 

The entire night he had been fighting it. He couldn’t do a damn thing, helpless to the games his brain was playing. He had it all planned out. Robbe, who’s parents constantly fought and had a stack of problems, had never known traditions. He didn’t know what it was like to come down the stairs on Sunday’s to music playing and croque’s being made, or waking up to presents from the Sint. Sander had this planned from the moment they reunited a week ago. So when he started to recognize his mood lifting to the high heavens, he knew it was happening again. But he wanted the night to be a happy memory for Robbe. He wanted to do this for him.

He should have known.

The breaking point was when Sander’s thoughts brought him to his least favourite place. He was laying there on Robbe’s chest feeling infinite because the boy he had loved from the moment he saw him… seemed to love him back. And the sex was amazing. And the cuddling even more-so. And god, Sander felt happy. The happiest he had ever felt. And it was because of Robbe. 

And Robbe didn’t know all sides of Sander. He didn’t know what was happening inside Sander’s brain as they laid there. Robbe didn’t know that Sander was spiralling and inches away from running out of steam. He didn’t know the toxicity that flowed through Sander’s veins, ready to grab onto any good thing and choke it. Robbe didn’t know. And Robbe didn’t deserve that.

So when the darkness engulfed them, and Robbe tried to sleep, Sander suffocated. Suffocated in the darkness, in the fear, and the only thought that overcame all others was _get to the academy._

And now, as Sander laid in the bed at the institution, with every happy thought having vanished, he froze. The rock bottom feeling returned. He had been here before, facing the darkness. His mom turned on the lamp in the corner but it didn’t do a damn thing because Sander’s chest was black. His insides a blank hole. He didn’t have Robbe, and he didn’t have his art. 

Sander felt the bed move as his mom sat down. Sander mustered up the strength to turn his head and look at her. She rubbed a hand up and down Sander’s arm.

“You have to tell me what happened, hun,” She spoke softly. “Because you can imagine my confusion.”

Sander couldn’t speak. 

“Britt’s gone home,” She said. “She’ll be back in the morning. She said you needed space.”

Sander just stared at her, searching her sad eyes. The sadness caused by him. He wanted to disappear. Sander peeled his eyes away and looked back at the ceiling. He couldn’t take it. 

“Who was he, Sander?”

That made Sander’s eyes dart back to hers. Even the mention of a “he” was enough to give Sander the strength.

“What?” He asked, his voice weak from lack of use.

“That boy,” His mom offered a small smile. “There was a boy screaming your name. I didn’t know what to do, Britt ran over to him.”

Sander felt sick. So he hadn’t imagined it. Robbe had been there. Robbe had seen. Robbe had followed.

“Sander, please, what’s going on?” She asked, squeezing his hand. “He looked so worried. Were you with him tonight?”

Sander searched her face. She didn’t look mad, just sick with worry. And tired. She looked exhausted. 

“Yes.”

“Who is he?”

Sander disappeared, Robbe’s face appearing in his head. Robbe’s smile when he said “No way” after Sander told him they had the penthouse suite for the night. Robbe laughing as they ate their room service food. Robbe’s hair in his fingers as they kissed under the shower water. Robbe, who had no idea why Sander was acting the way he was, looking at Sander’s eyes after Sander said “Take it or leave it” and kissing him. Kissing him despite the confusion, despite the sudden serious conversation, and deciding to take it, not leave it.

Robbe.

Sander couldn’t help the tears that came to his eyes. It’s suddenly overpowering, the emotions in his body. He couldn’t control it. He couldn’t control anything. 

“I love him,” Sander choked out. 

Sander’s mom gripped his hand tighter. “Who is he, Sander?”

“Everything important.”

Sander’s mom hugged him without missing a beat, and Sander allowed himself to cry into her shoulder. He gripped her back, pulling her close. 

When they pulled away, Sander’s mom looked sad. 

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have called Britt-“ She began, gently wiping Sander’s tears from his face. There was a hint of a smile forming suddenly.

“No, you didn’t know-“ Sander interrupted. 

“It’s kind of funny, actually,” She chuckled. “I called your ex girlfriend. Hm, I guess she was just worried.”

Sander knew that wasn’t entirely the case. Britt didn’t believe that what Sander was feeling was real. Sure, she was probably worried, but she would also jump at any chance to come back into Sander’s life. Especially if that meant that she could blame Sander’s mania on his lack of interest in her. 

“Something like that.”

“But she… hm, it’s still confusing,” She looked confused. “She pushed him away.”

Sander furrowed his eyebrows. “She did?”

“Yes, he was trying to get to you.”

Sander felt hope in his veins, it started as a spark and then washed all over him. But it halted, making the air catch in his throat, when he realized - Robbe still didn’t know everything. Would he want him like this? Was Robbe scared? Confused? Angry?

“Mom, I’m really tired…” Sander said. 

“Oh, I understand,” She said, standing up. 

She hugged him again, and Sander lightly squeezed back. “I love you, mom.”

“I love you too,” She whispered. “I will be back in the morning, okay?”

Sander nodded as she left.

He didn’t sleep. He weighed his options all night. To text or not to text. To call or not to call. Robbe being there tonight gave him hope that he didn’t want. It would have been easier if Robbe hadn’t been there. If Robbe didn’t want him. If Robbe didn’t care. It would all be easier. But… he did. He did want him. He did care.

Sander took out his phone when his eyes grew heavy and there was nothing else to do. Sometimes you have to take that leap of faith and do the thing that scares you most. Sander had done it before. When he kissed Robbe underwater. When he forgave him after his mind went Chernobyl. When he told Robbe “You and I”. When he continued their hotel date despite feeling all control slip from his fingertips.

And now, when he picked up his phone.

**“The last hotel was better.”**

**Author's Note:**

> aaaand we all know what comes next....
> 
> sorry all i can do is write to deal with the stages of grief over them being taken from us (and sorry i'm dramatic)


End file.
